Last night I had two firsts:
1. First time I felt really angry on stage
2. First time an audience member expressed anger at me about something I said on stage while I was still on stage
No matter the topics I bring to the stage, light or dark, I’m not speaking in hypotheticals…I’m speaking from experience. I’m using personal, sometimes traumatic experiences (racism, sexism, bad dates, etc.) and trying to make them funny. I’m taking something dark and presenting it in a way that people who have never walked in my shoes can understand, laugh, and maybe learn about another person’s reality. I’m not an antagonistic or controversial comic. I don’t speak about politics in my act. I’m not trying to shame or hurt anyone. I’m just up there speaking to my own truth and experiences which, unfortunately, are sometimes terrible.
Depending on the topic and how I present it, I expect the crowd to get quiet and/or uncomfortable. That doesn’t phase or bother me at all…it’s part of the process. I’m willing to take chances and to be vulnerable on stage. It’s what helps me to learn and to grow as a comic. It’s what makes me a good comic.
Last night I was working out a bit about how upset I get about not having the right kind of privilege. A guy sitting next to the stage on my right rolled his eyes and muttered, “not this shit again” under his breath. I’m not sure if anyone else other than the person he was sitting with heard, but I did. I don’t think he expected me to hear him because he looked shocked and embarrassed when I whipped my head around, stopped speaking, and stared hard at him. I saw red. I was pissed. I was ready to fight! I wanted to yell at him that his shitty attitude was exactly the point of that bit. I wanted to say that the fact that he felt so comfortable rolling his eyes and expressing his annoyance at “this shit” was the epitome of privilege. I wanted to tell him to kiss the fattest part of my ass.
I didn’t say any of that because a) I was concerned for my safety and b) I didn’t want to get in trouble for telling a patron to go fuck himself. So instead I kept my cool, stared at him for an uncomfortable amount of time, said something about him making my point, then got on with the rest of my set.
I doubt I would have gotten into trouble but my default trauma response is that I would have.
Something like that will probably happen to me again. When it does, I hope I feel empowered to express myself freely. I’m sure it’s happened before except I was probably out of earshot and the person wasn’t sitting right at the stage.
Despite all of that, I had a really good set!